President Evil
by UncleScar4life
Summary: Leon travels to Spain to rescue the President's daughter and runs into a little craziness along the way. PARODY!
1. Chapter 1

**A/n- Hi guys. UncleScar4life here. Decided to write about RE4 since it's my favorite game ever. It's a parody so "yay"! Enjoy por favor. :)**

**Disclaimer- I do not own RE4 or any RE ANYTHING. Btw, if you don't like my generic and random writing style...well...get over it. If I wrote the same as everybody else, then this world would be boring as hell. Let's just leave it at that. **

PS: This story is told from Leon's point of view at first then the narrative point switches to third person. So yeah. :P

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"2100...wait wait wait...ahhh...I forgot. Wait, I remember now. 1998, I'll never forget it. It was when all those massacres happened in Ohio. WAIT wait wait...ahhh y-yknow what, I'm just going to skip it. SCREW IT!"

Leon then threw a glass bottle at the camera guy. "What the heck? How do I even have a gun and a leather jacket? ALREADY? But I haven't even gotten the order to go rescue Ashley...WAAAAIIITTT how do I know this..?"

Leon started running through the woods. "How did I get here?" He found a letter in his pocket. "Hmm...where did this little lassie come from. LET'S READ IT!"

_Dear Leon,_

_I hijacked your brain when I was doing my research on soul reapers. So yeah. Oh and you're on a mission to save the president's daughter. So yeah. Bye._

_-Mayuri Kurotsuchi_

"DAMN! That...that PERV!" Leon shouted. He continued to walk through the woods until a cut scene happened and he saw a guy in a window.

"What's he looking for?"

He then walked into the house and he saw a normal village guy stoking the fireplace.

"Hey, have you seen this girl?" Leon asked, holding a picture up of Ashley. The village dude looked at Leon. His eyes were red.

"Whoaaa...dude, are you like a binge drinker? Because your eyes are like...duuuuddde!"

¿Que carajo haces aqui¿? Largate, cabron! (What the hell  
are you doing here? Get out of here asshole!)"

"Well, I don't know how to speak Japanese, so sorry if I'm bothering you. I have to go now."

Leona started to leave when all of a sudden the villager tried to axe Leon's head.

"HEY! You know I don't like that cheap cologne crap!" Leon shouted as the villager tried to spray his eyes with axe. "Ohhhh so THAT's how your eyes got red. USHER. Trying to 'let it burn' Pffffttt! Yeah, like YOU'LL ever catch MY eyes being with that stuff." Leon looked at the villager. "Is that Axe Chocolate scented?"

"Si."

"I SEE. I asked you a question. Now stop telling me to 'SEE'."

"Si."

"UGH! YOU IDIOT! I ALREADY TOLD I DON'T SPEAK BRITISH!...I MEAN JAPANESE!" Leon was fed up with this guy so he shot him. The villager fell to the floor and disintegrated.

"How how the heck does disintegration happen that fast? THAT'S IMPOSSIBL-"

_RIINNGGGG RIIINGGG_

Just then, Leon's Boost Mobile walkie talkie phone started beeping.

"I swear, if that librarian gave my number to any gay guys...she get NONE tonight."

Leon answered.

"HELLO?"

"Hi Leon. I am Ingrid Hunnigan. I hope you can hear me. I'll be your support on this mission."

"Yo SHAWTY! You is poppin girl. How you doin?"

"That's right. She's the daughter of the President. So try and behave yourself, okay?"

"What? Are you talking about?" Leon was confused.

"I'll try to find more information on them from my end as well."

"Information on who?"

_Pssshhhhh_

"She hung up? How am I supposed to know...what to do?"

All of a sudden, a Devil Leon popped up on Leon's right shoulder and an angel Leon popped up on Leon's left shoulder.

"WHO ARE YOU GUYS AND WHY ARE YOU COSPLAYING AS ANGEL AND DEVIL? AND HOW'D YOU GET THAT SMALL? DID YOU EAT FROOT LOOPS?"

The Devil Leon looked at Leon.

"No. And you're supposed to kill the president's daughter."

The angel Leon interrupted.

"NO! Don't listen to him! You are supposed to SAVE the president's daughter."

"Save...president...daughter...girl...bedtime...score.." Leon mumbled to himself.

"NO NO NO! You cannot sleep with her! She's the president's DAUGHTER!" The angel Leon said.

"So? She's STILL a girl. And whenever I see a hot shawty, I get jiggy with it!"

The angel Leon and devil Leon stared at...Leon.

"Dude, stop. You ain't gangsta. So...j-just just stop...stop." The devil Leon said.

"Fine! FINE FINE! GOSH!"

Leon then got another call.

"This better not be that Hunnygram girl again."

He picked up.

"WHAT!"

"Hello! This is an automated message from Raccoon City Library reminding you that you have 4 overdue books pending on your account. Book 1 is, '_How to Score A Shawty in Five Minutes'. _Book 2 is, '_PlayBoy Magazine Blonde Edition'_ Book 3 is, '_Sweet Rides For Lame Dudes 101 Pimp Yo Car In 1 Day' _Book 4 is, '_How to Speak Gangsta For Dummies'._ Your current fee is...2498 dollars and 73 cents. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!"

The call ended.

"What the hell? I never remembered getting THOSE books..." Leon lied to himself.

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**A/n- There ends chapter 1. Reviews are appreciated! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

Leon took his handgun and picked up some extra rounds he found on the villager.

"Man...this sucks turkey balls... I bet these village dudes are herpes infested freaks." Leon jumped out the window and came in contact with another villager. "WHAT THE HELL?"

The villager did the cha cha slide and threw a empty pizza box at Leon.

"Hey! Watch it!"

The villager walked over to Leon. "I know you want me to cha cha cha."

"What the heck?" The other guys then did crank that spiderman. "Wow these guys sure are into dancing." Leon mumbled. He shot the guys in their heads. "Glad that's over." Leon found 3000 pesetas on the guys and 20 handgun rounds. AS he continued to walk across a trail, he saw another guy.

"Oh crap!" He hid behind a tree very quickly. "I gotta kill him in at least three shots."

Leon shot the guy in the head with twice and blew his head off. He then continued walking across the trail and saw three guys by a bridge. He shot a guy in the leg and he fell to the ground. He killed them all. He threw a hand grenade in the middle of the carcasses and two seconds later and when it blew up, the carcasses blew all over the place like cheetos mighty zingers.

"That was gangsta!"

He went back the trail and helped the dog out of the bear trap and walked back to where he was at, crossed a bridge and entered through a gate. "What the hell?" He got out his binoculars and looked through them.

"HOLY CRAP CRACKER JACK JALAPENO CHEDDAR CHEETO!" There was an officer with a huge hook through his body right over a bonfire. Leon took a hand grenade in the center of the town where there was about ten ganados and everybody died except for Leon.

Just then, Leon shot a bullet at a bird. "Damn! I missed." The bullet fell down and hit one of the villagers. "AHHHHYAYAAYYAYAYAA!"

Then the villager saw Leon. "AY CARAMBA!" Leon took out the handcannon. "Wtf? How'd I even get this?"

Just then a merchant came out of nowhere. "Strangah! You got it from mercenaries!" Leon thought for a moment. "Oh yeah...I forgot."

Leon blew off a bald guy's head with the hand cannon and it rained blood. "AHHHHH ACID RAIN!"

He dropped his handgun and sitting beside it, he found 500 rounds sitting beside it. When the handgun hit the ground, it killed all the rest of the villagers.

"Take that suckas! I pity the fool!" He yelled. Then the church bell rang and the rest of the villagers went into the church.

"Where'd everyone go? Papa John's?"

Hunnigan then called on the walkie talkie.

"Leon I need you to follow a trail near a building. I think you left one of your playboy magazines beside it."

Leon then hung up on Hunnigan. "I am sick of that beeyotch calling me all the time!"

He followed the trail and found a gate and went through it. "Holy shit!"

There was a guy working in an open barn raking up hay. "I need to go get something." Leon said.

He went back the trail and went inside of a house. "THERE it is."

He picked up a 12 gauge shotgun from the wall and picked up 5000 bucks under the bed. "I'm richy rich!" He found 30 shot gun shells, equipped them into the shotgun and went back through the gate.

Leon stopped, looked down and saw an Ipod and on the back of it, It had "Salazar's IPod" engraved on it. He clicked through the songs and two of the songs were "My little pony" and "Barbie Girl".

"This Salazar guy is just weird..."

All of a sudden, Rocky came and left.

"What...the hell...?"

Leon killed all the guys. "I need more money." He spotted a pearl pendent hanging over the sewer. "I need that."

He started foaming from the mouth and took the pearl pendent. "I NEED MORE CASH!"

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Reviews are appreciated. :3


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